Life After Her: The Artistic Timestamp of Apache Grosse
In His Own Words: Balancing Love, Loss, and Creative Fire
Words by Felton Edward Kizer
Music has felt mundane and predictable most days in the world of TikTok challenges and 90s samples. However, some rare souls can articulate the rawness of their journey with as much authenticity and visceral power as possible. In a recent candid conversation with a friend and collaborator, Apache Grosse, we delved deep into the heart of his latest project, "Life After Her," – a title that resonates with the echoes of personal evolution and creative rebirth.
Straddling the realms of the personal and the universal, Apache's narrative is more than a mere chronicle of an artist's life post-heartbreak. It is a story of dualities – love and art, loss and discovery, the closing of one chapter, and the hesitant inklings of the next. This journey, encapsulated in an album and a short film, is proof of his unwavering dedication to his craft and the relentless pursuit of artistic expression.
"Life After Her" is not just a reflection of Apache's own life; it is an exploration of the psychological intricacies of an artist. The project delves into what it means to be burdened yet elevated by an insatiable desire to create, posing the eternal question: what are we willing to sacrifice in the pursuit of art? Apache's work is a brave confrontation of this query, embodying the struggles and triumphs of a life lived at the mercy of one's passions.
In this deep dive, Apache lays bare his soul, sharing insights into his struggles with love, the relentless drive to create, and the elusive quest for balance. His words are not just lines of an interview; they are the vibrant strokes of a larger canvas, painting the life of an artist who dares to dream, love, and create unabashedly.
In his unfiltered and off-kilter narrative, Apache Grosse invites us into a world where music and life intertwine in a complex dance of emotions and experiences. Join us as we explore the depths of his artistic odyssey, a journey as tumultuous as beautiful and as challenging as it is rewarding.
Welcome to the world of Apache Grosse – a world where every chord strikes a feeling, every lyric paints a picture, and every beat tells a story.
Photographed by Bryce Cashman
When you think about ‘Her, ' what are you thinking about? And has ‘Her’ ever shifted throughout the acknowledgment of ‘Her’?
There are two meanings to “Her”. The two things that make me up in my entirety. It is my art–my creation, and If you know me, you know that my other motivation in life is love. Whether it is a single night, an experience of connection, or it's my final partner. Everything I do in life falls into these two buckets, driving me to become a better person. To become stronger, smarter, physically fit, fluent, and cultured. That way, I can be the best version of myself for my art and for the person I will give my life to.
The big question is if I have two ‘Hers,’ which is the mistress and the wife? That's where the challenges of my art come in. I found it extremely difficult to be both things fully. How do I tell somebody that my art is more important than them? And that's what I fear the most–How do I find the balance between the two?
Do you have to make a choice? Is there a way for them both to coexist?
It's what I'm practicing; I spent much of my career a slave to the music. And unfortunately, a lot of my partners had to endure that. The music is not just what you create on a keyboard; it’s the life you live and the inspiration you find. And when you're addicted to finding that denser inspiration. It pulls you to many different areas and places you can't always take your partner.
What does love feel like to you?
It feels like everything. It feels like strength; it feels like purpose. It feels like home. You know, it feels like hope, and it's terrifying. Because it is so fragile and because it could be forever. It could become the thing you need to dedicate yourself to. Are you ready to stop everything else and dedicate yourself to it until it feels like one of the few things that could survive forever? You know, I'm used to letting go. I'm used to things dying. I've restarted my life so many times. And love is always so scary because it feels so good, and it feels like enough. And for someone who's lived their life, thrived, and grown so much from the feeling that they are not enough, it really can, at least personally for me, dampen that flame of creativity. And that's once again where we get back to this original question of how you can be both the artist and lover.
What does loving yourself look like in practice?
It's [when] you sit with yourself, reflect on your experiences, and feel great about what you've accomplished, right? You and your relationship with yourself is always going to fluctuate, right? It's the same way you have this idea of I love you, but maybe I don't always like you. Self-love is an important ingredient in your life because you will be with yourself forever. That is the one person you will be with forever, so you have to love yourself. You don't always have to like yourself; that should be the goal; you should always be like, Dude, you're awesome; you're great. But that's not the truth. We have ups, we have downs. But love is the thing that lets you treat yourself with respect. Because if you don't have that, you're not in a place to grow. I know, there's a lot of people who think otherwise, where they're like, always be in harmony. But to me, this is hiding your demons rather than dancing with them, and I love that. Because once I do that, and I put that work in, and I get on the other side, I'm happy that I wasn't complacent, that I didn't think that I was good enough at that moment, because then I found my growth in that. But love is the one thing that always needs to be present. Never hate yourself. Maybe [you] don't like yourself all the time. But love yourself all the time.
Photographed by Bryce Cashman
Shifting gears a bit–what have you learned? What's different about the way you make music?
light his cigarette.
All the music I have released over the last seven years reflects my evolution throughout this process. Thinking about my album “Life After Her,” I wanted to go further than ever. It took me 5 years to understand and tell my story, and I finished the music almost two years ago, but the process of my story continued. Cinema has always been close to my heart, and I wanted to take the next step of creating a deeper dimension of this story. I took the music from my album and created a completely original score with the help of one of my close friends, Tony Scott-Green. I deconstructed the elements of my album, recycling, breaking down, and rebuilding those tracks for this musical film. So technically, I was still writing and working on 'Life After Her' musically up until about four or five months ago. You can see the growth when comparing the sound score to the albums. Seven years ago, I relied heavily on other producers, but now, I'm writing sound scores and producing for other artists. This is the beautiful part: I've come into my way of creating sound, whether it's my story or working with others. I strive to understand the lyrics deeply and focus on how production complements their Stories. When creating my music, I always start with bursts of passion. I rarely sit down to make a new album. It usually stems from a meaningful experience – a crazy night, a heartbreak – and I write about that. But now, I have the maturity to nurture those sparks into flames. If you saw my SoundCloud, you'd find over 230 unreleased songs about 80% complete. Now, I finish a lot more of my work. Producing for others has brought more accountability. It's like, 'This is your project; we'll get this done.
“It feels like everything. It feels like strength; it feels like purpose. It feels like home.”
What did you learn about yourself throughout this process?
I'm a stubborn bastard. But I'm relentless. And I'll never give up. This project challenged me more than anything else in my life. I've always been optimistic, believing I can do anything. I had the best starting kit: a mom who told me I could be whoever I wanted and a dad who said it's only possible if I worked hard enough. Everything I've attempted in my life, I've manifested and accomplished.
How do you work as a producer versus a solo artist?
I loved sitting in sessions with musicians and engineers, learning how to create and shape, and now I'm getting to a point where I can teach and help. That's super fulfilling. I've had so many people believe in me and help me tell my story. Now, I love working with people and helping them tell their stories. So, it's really beautiful to see just how many of my life experiences are transferable.
How has your geographical perspective influenced your music? How do you see the world now?
I just moved to Barcelona; I'm actively working to undo all the negative aspects laced in me from being immersed in the same culture for my entire life. I've experienced micro-cultures, like how Chicago vastly differs from Arizona and LA. Yet, there's still this overarching American mindset. So now, I'm excited to grow by learning the best parts of different people's lives and adopting those qualities. I'm striving to tell those stories in my music, trying to create something special out here. I aim to leverage the benefits of being in the American music industry – which is massive and offers so much to learn – and bring that experience here. I want to collaborate with people with beautiful, raw talent and compelling stories. My ambition is to build a significant part of my business around producing other artists and creating a culture – one that I've been comfortable with creating in the past – that breeds success not just for myself but also for the people around me. And then, I just feel like I needed to live all out. I've never felt ready, but I think I can be ready for that special person in my life in a couple of years.
Yes or No? And Why?
Yes, always, because Yes is life. Yes is living. If you never do anything, if you just say no to everything, your life will be nothing if you say yes to everything, you're likely to be crippled, but you'll still have loved it.
Photographed by Bryce Cashman
You've spoken about the interplay of love and creativity in your life. How do you channel your personal experiences, especially the challenging ones, into your music without losing yourself in those emotions?
Getting lost is a part of finding the hidden. For me, there is no halfway; belief is everything. To truly experience something beautiful, you must let go of the safety rope. If you walk long enough down that tunnel, you either discover the end or walk the path you were meant to[take] for the rest of your journey. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, there was always an exit. But in every one of those experiences, I took with me what I found along the way. I cherish it, and my tribute to its existence is the art I create.
What were your most significant challenges while working on 'Life After Her'? How did you overcome these obstacles, and what did you learn from them?
When you give yourself to something, you always run the risk of giving too much. Some of the greatest artists in history live tormented lives or lose themselves to this ritual. You can think of Van Gough, Mozart, or even Kanye West as recent examples. But In return for their sacrifice, humanity was gifted some of the most authentic windows into itself. I had never taken on something as ambitious as this project before. And I had moments where I thought I was lost, but even worse than my sacrifice, I wouldn’t materialize. I've never been more challenged or more doubtful of myself. In the commitment, I lost someone I cared deeply for because I wasnt present in the world. I was consumed by what I was creating. But something told me to push further, keep giving, and listen to faith. Throughout this process, I found apart of myself. A piece bury so deep that would change me. That would in some way release me from my slavery to my art. There was respect between me and what I had worshiped. And now, most things I pursue seem conquerable where they hadn't before.
How do you see your music and artistic identity evolving in the next few years? Are there new themes or styles you're eager to explore?
I am excited to see where these next few years will take me artistically. With this new respect, I plan on diving deeper into the part of myself that is here to experience. This project reminded me that it was never about money or fame. It was always about the art. Because even when I felt alone, it has always been there for me. I will continue to elevate its position and strive to build on those same windows the greats before me created. Who knows, maybe one day my art will be the subtext of the next generation interview. Thank you, Felton, for helping me tell my story.
“It was always about the art. Because even when I felt alone, it has always been there for me.”
Life After Her is now streaming on all platform.