A Room Of His Own: Five Years Later
I had no idea what Off-Kilter would become. I did know that I wanted to create inclusive content without compromise, though.
Five years ago, I was featured in CIRCUS, and I was so bright-eyed, eager, and hungry. I was fighting for scraps but I was determined to prove not only my worth, but my vision. At that time, I had no idea how I was going to bring Off-Kilter to the market, but I knew with my whole heart that it needed to exist, and I wanted to be the one to do it. I’m not sure if it was my prior experience running yearbook in highschool or my curiosity of knowing what everyone was working on. But, the idea of launching a publication made me feel complete in a way that photography did not allow for.
Building Issue 000 (The Real Issue 001)
The first issue of Off-Kilter actually came out the summer of 2014. I only had three printed issues and while they were not what I wanted, they were all mine. I had the launch party at Maybe Sunday, an experimental retailer and event space in Pilsen.
I invited all my friends from TopShop, too—this was my moment. Everything
was finally happening.
I remember when I first decided to launch a magazine, I wanted to call it Pastel—what was I thinking? My dear friend LaAndrea Deloyce swiftly intervened and said, “Off-Kilter. That’s the name. It’s who you are.’’ I’ve never looked back since. LaAndrea, thank you for getting me together—I didn’t know any better.
When I first started to map out my vision for OK, I started in a sketchbook. I didn’t have a personal computer at the time, only fragments of visions in my head and I needed to get them out. Eventually, I phoned a friend from highschool, Ahmad Saeed, and enlisted his help in designing it. I often look back and laugh at my initial conversation with Ahmad. I was trying to explain the concept of Off-Kilter, and I told him that I was struggling with Adobe Illustrator. I remember him stopping me and laughing. I was so confused and embarrassed, primarily because I didn’t understand the source of his laughter. Eventually, he informed me that Illustrator wasn’t for layout design. In that moment, I realized that I indeed needed a team.
From that phone call, he graciously agreed to help me design the very first issue.
Becoming EIC (Here Comes the Imposter Syndrome)
I do not consider myself a writer. I hated writing for a really long time—still do at times. Backstory: I was a terrible student. My mind moves really fast, and it’s difficult for me to concentrate on singular ideas and moments. However, that’s why I’m an amazing photographer. I’m never thinking about a singular moment, but a series
of moments.
So, when I think about all of my favorite editor-in-chiefs—Miranda Priestly and Wilhelmina Slater—I came to understand that not only were they visionaries, they were also writers. The idea of calling myself EIC never felt like a title I deserved
or, honestly, wanted. For the first four years or so, I dismissed the title and,
quite frankly, the leadership role. I didn’t know how to ‘lead.’ I had the
vision, but I lacked leadership.
I’m not sure what happened, but something changed. Maybe it wasn’t the realization that because I had vision I needed to lead, but the realization that I could and people would trust me enough to follow. While having a group of folks who trust and believe in you is a beautiful gift, it’s also a great deal of responsibility.
A part of that responsibility is centering ethics in order to seek knowledge and lead with intention. I recently removed the word ‘Chief’ from my title. Honestly, something never felt right about it and the word is not a part of my culture. At the end of the day, it’s really important for me to center growth—not comfort.
Public WIFI (What’s Your Netflix Login?)
At the time when I started Off-Kilter, I was a sophomore in undergrad. Soon after my first semester as a sophomore, I ‘took a year off.’ That was seven years ago. At the time, I had just started charging people for portrait sessions. I had no idea how to lay out a magazine or anything for that matter. Needless to say, I was lost and I still struggle. However, I paid attention to EVERYTHING. I would scroll online at publications that I enjoyed endlessly. I would go to Barnes & Noble to flip through magazines and sketch page layouts in my notebooks to reference once I learned InDesign.
Thinking back on those truly tragic moments really puts things into perspective. Even though I hadn’t the slightest clue as to what I was doing, I always positioned Off-Kilter as a brand who knew exactly what we were doing, because we were founded on the power of curation and minimal photography.
It also helped that no one really knew who I was or what I looked like.
“You love me and what I do, without knowing anything about who I am,” I said in that first interview with CIRCUS. Looking back on my conversation with Bianca Betancourt all those years ago, I didn’t realize how sad I was and how I was creating Off-Kilter to build a community that I didn’t see. Concealing my identity was very intentional and I don’t regret doing it, but I do wish I didn’t feel the need to do it in the first place.
Five Years Later—Same Room (Only Now, I’m Not Alone)
As we launch The OK Times, I am grounded in pride, community, and a high level of respect for my team and our respective communities. Back in 2014, when folks would ask me ‘What is your magazine going to be about?,’ I would always respond with, ‘A little bit of something for everyone—a pot of Gumbo!’ I just knew that Off-Kilter was only the beginning and that I would somehow find a way to have a collection of publications that explored different ideas from the lens of inclusion.
Five years ago, I was in a room of my own, on my own—or so I thought. I found that I was never actually alone. My community just couldn’t find the right door. It took a lot of trust, mishaps, and faith for us to be who we are today. It took trusting in my power and standing firm in my title, Director of Content. It took long nights and honest conversations to have not only a friend but a partner in Kailey Roth,
Director of Design.
Most importantly, it took years of getting out of my own way and asking for help to better serve our community.
The End Credits (The Album Outro)
Building Off-Kilter has not been a singular experience. We would not be here without our community. A big thanks to Caleb Hamernick for convincing Hopewell Brewery to donate beer to our first event and cheering me on every step of the way; Yolanda Trejofor hosting us in YO:U and for being an amazing collaborator; Javier Suárez of Low Key Label for helping design our first print issue and Bianca Betancourt for doing all of the copy editing and our cover story; much love to Hoda Katebi for believing in me and Off-Kilter—you were and always will be my fav #Covergirl.
Our first release event made everything real. It was at that moment that I started to understand what ‘community’ actually means.
So, to our community, I owe you everything. Off-Kilter would not exist without you. Thank you for your patience and your grace, but most importantly for sharing your stories, for dancing with us, and for being our constant source of inspiration.
Nichole, Michael, Sam, Ellis, Luccas, Hannah and Alanna, you all are rockstars! I am grateful for your brilliant minds, passion, and dedication to inclusive storytelling and the truth. I often think about how truly lucky I am to collaborate with brilliant folks on a daily basis.
I can’t tell you the future of Off-Kilter, but I am honored to be here with you all. As Off-Kilter continues to evolve and grow in new ways, I hope you will, too. Without community, we’re just not OK.
